Friday, November 20, 2009

Dear diary..

So for the first time I'm gonna use this "blog" thing, for kinda what it's intended purpose is...a diary. I've got a lot running through my brain right now and it's gotta go somewhere. Arista once told me that she did some sort of writing exercise. She basically wrote down eeeeeeeeverythiiiiiiinng that was going on in her life at that moment. Afterwards, she read it back and felt a lot better. Sometimes you need to get things off your chest, even if it's just to yourself. Or the blog world.. :)

EDITOR'S NOTE: THERE IS ALOT OF CUSSING IN THIS POST...SO GET OVER IT OR DON'T READ IT!  :)

ok

HOLY SHIT! I'm am so fucking scared right now!

What the FUCK am I doing?!?!...

I'm 23!

I am 23 years old! and have no fucking clue what to do..

When I think about my life and what I want to do and what I need to do to get there, all of a sudden my world goes black. I start to get really hot, and I can literally feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. 

Ok, so I want to act. I know, I know...typical L.A. dreamer trying to make it big in the big bad industry. Here's the thing: I know I can. For one, I've been doing it my whole life. And two, I come from a family of performers and a couple of them have actually been successful actors for many many years. "Successful"as in have made a living by being an actor..not necessarily famous. But please, PLEASE don't get me wrong. My mission in life is not to be famous, but to simply make a living in this world by doing what I love. One of my biggest fears in life is to wake up one day and I'm forty and absolutely hate my life, and the core of that is my job. I mean, when you think about it, if you work a 8-5 work day, 5 days a week...that's a lot of F-ing time to be at one place for yeeeeeears!!! No shit you're depressed...you've been pushing paper for the last 20 years, and you resent your boss, family, and friends for letting you!

Same thing goes for acting though. People will try and try and try and for years not do anything. They wake up one day and realize that they have wasted 20 years of their life chasing a dream that they were never able to catch up to. Now what??

The thing about acting is that talent has nothing to do with actually booking a gig. You can be the absolute right person for the job. You worked the hardest, you studied the longest, you did the best in the audition, but they just so happened to want someone with slightly bigger teeth, or dirty blonde hair instead of strawberry blonde. 97% of anyone you see actually making it as an actor, more than likely got the job because they were in the right place at the right time. That's right folks, to make it big in this industry you gotta be LUCKY!!!! scared yet? yeah...me too. 

So now I have 3 part time jobs, all that pay shit just so I can have time to make it to auditions to maybe, just maybe, kinda hoping/wishing, that this time..maybe THIS time I might actually get the part. More than likely not, simply because that chick over there just got her boobs done. 

So what do I choose...

option 1: I get a full time, good paying 8-5 job doing what I hate but am I able to move out and pay rent and maybe go see a movie every once in a while...or

option 2: I stick to the shit paying jobs, the embarrassment of still living at home at 23, and the fear of the unknown of what may actually come out of this audition, BUT all while trying to make my dreams come true. Something that not a whole lot of people get to say they did. 

Ok so that's one of the things going through this analytical brain of mine..

Another thing is boys...

oh boys.

Why must you be so damn simple and us so damn complicated. The problem is, you're so simple that it complicates things. Even though I am a girl, I think I'm a pretty simple. I want to find someone to love and be loved in return. doesn't sound so hard right? 

WHAT?!?!?! HOLY SHIT!!!! This scares me to death waaaaaaay more then the whole job thing. When you are fortunate enough to find someone that literally stops you in your tracks, or leaves someone who is normally very talkative, speechless, or takes your breath away, OR brings all those stupid cliches to life. AND!!!!!! ANNNNDDDDD and actually have them return the exact feelings for YOU!!!..............

WOOOOOOW, you are one lucky son of a bitch. This seems practically impossible. I mean, when you think about all the people in the world, all the millions of places your "soulmate" can be, how the hell are you supposed to find them? I mean, we only have one soul right? so i take that to mean we only have one mate for it. What if my soul mate is in Finland and I NEVER go to Finland?? Does that mean that I spend the rest of my days alone with my cats and when I'm old and gray, little kids will dare each other to ring my door bell and run away laughing?! 

OR will I find someone that I THINK is my soulmate and I'm really just settling for 2nd best because I don't know any better. I didn't know that I was supposed to go to Finland! How was I supposed to know to go to Finland?! 

Now, I've never been the type to swing from boyfriend to boyfriend. Some girls just aren't happy single, that doesn't mean they are sluts or that they are needy, maybe they just love sharing their life with someone else. 

"You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." 

Not that I'm necessarily "happy" being single, but I can't fake it. I can't be with someone if it's not all there. Even if they are funny, or good-looking, or rich! Even if they are all 3, if it's not there, it's not there. My mom calls it the "smell". Every time she sees me with a guy or I go on a date, and the date went great but it's just not there for me. She'll ask me "he wasn't the right smell, huh?" and he wasn't. This has nothing to do with B.O. or cheap cologne. It has everything to do with someone's own personal scent. Scent is the strongest sense of them all. It triggers memory and it can even affect your mood. Have you ever gone home with a piece of (his) clothing and slept with it for days, or at least until the smell wore off? Yeah, that's because you like him and the way he smells. It helps you remember what just happened, whatever that may be. Don't forget, we are animals.

See, I have found that smell. I walked into it's house about 3 years ago, and I've never felt anything like that before or since. Here's the thing, the very strange thing that no one can quite grasp...

unrequited love. 

No one said it better than Charlie brown, "nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." 

2 fairly small words that have such a ridiculously huge meaning. Let me elaborate:

Google's definition: Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections.

Encyclopedia.com's definition: un·re·quit·ed ˌənriˈkwītid/
                                                         adj. (of a feeling, esp. love) not returned or rewarded.
Angelique's definition: Your own personal hell. 

Some of you know who I'm talking about. Some of you I have told the story to, and some of you I haven't for good reason. But whatever, this is my diary. 

Here's the short version of what has been going on in my love life or lack thereof. 

There was a boy. We'll call him "boy"(clever I know). I knew who he was but also knew he had a gf at the time. I thought he was cute, but let it go. Then one day, years later, I get a call from a mutual friend to come by "boy"'s house, they were all hanging out. 

That whole week in one sense is a big blur, mostly because it happened so fast. But, in another sense I remember every detail. 

I thought one thing, he felt another. I was left hurt and confused while he went on living. I pretended nothing had happened, while on the inside I was disintegrating. The thing that happened that I wasn't even aware of, was that in that short amount of time I had fallen for this boy. See, in my short life of dealing with matters of the heart I have always been guarded. I've been hurt by men and not just potential boyfriends. Men in general have just let me down before, hence the walls. I didn't know it, but this boy had busted through these said "walls" with a charging force, or maybe I just let them down with such ease that it seemed that way. 

So now, here I am. 20 and broken hearted for the first time. Since I pretended nothing had happened, we remained "friends". I watched as he dated other girls and acted like I was happy for him. 

So then I moved to Hawaii. I got myself a bf and thought of "boy" the whole time. After 6 months, I left bf and moved back home. I thought I was over boy until I saw him. Everything came flooding back and I was miserable once again like I was the year before. Until finally I couldn't do it anymore. One day I had had enough. I told him I couldn't do the "friend" thing anymore, and that was that. We didn't talk for 8 months. In that time, I couldn't tell which was worse, having him in my life as a friend but not able to actually have him. Or not having him at all. No matter what, I lose. 

Eventually we started talking again. Well, if that's what you call it. We are more of acquaintances now and it's something I have to deal with. This is a story that has no end. I am living in this personal hell as of today and I have no F-ing clue what to do about it. I feel like I've done everything I can think of to get over this boy. I have ignored the situation, ignored him, ignored my feelings. I have confronted him and my feelings, he has even apologized for doing this to me. I have tried not talking to him. I've prayed for years. 

Let me tell you one thing. Unrequited love is simply one of the most excruciating pains I have ever felt. I can honestly and unfortunately say that I have dealt with a lot so far in my life, as far as 'hurt' goes. And this one is definitely up there. Maybe because it's one of those slow burns. It hurts so bad that you almost wish for a physical wound, those are a lot easier to see and heal. The pain is so severe that I find myself literally trying to grasp my heart through my chest to help stop the ache. It's something I would never wish upon my worst enemies. 

It's also something that's hard to explain. I mean, we were never in a relationship. Technically, I fell in love with him from afar. How can you explain that to people who are so used to relating "Love" with dating or courting? Having sex or AT LEAST kissing! We did none of that, yet I wanted to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, just so he would know the real me. I wanted to know everything there is to know about him. I wanted people to bring him up in conversation just so I can hear his name being thrown around and be allowed to think of him without consequence. I would only wish this for someone just so I wouldn't be alone and someone could understand the feeling...

so my mom asks, "is it the smell?" 

yes! it is! I love the way he smells. He smells exactly how a good day should smell. Like a boy who doesn't try to smell good should smell. He's the funniest person I know. I can talk to him for hours, or sit next to him for hours not saying a word. 

A day with him is just...easy. 

He's also an idiot. Clearly we have chemistry. Clearly at one point he was attracted to me. PLUS, I am about as kick ass of a girlfriend as you can get. 

I'm not sure what changed on his end, but one thing is for sure and that's nothing has changed on my end. Unfortunately..

So what does this mean? Is this why I'm so scared of love? Because I feel I might have potentially found it, but there was one teensy weensy problem, and that's just that it wasn't reciprocated? 

So now what? I have feelings for a boy who doesn't feel the same. I've tried to be rid of these feelings...hasn't worked so far. I try to be open-minded and date other guys, well we all know I'm still single. And it's not like I'm comparing these guys to boy. I've been very careful about that. Even though these feelings are forever present, I don't want to miss an opportunity because I've gotten so used to being blind. However, I do compare my feelings. I know what it feels like to fly. What it feels like to...just...know. To feel safe (ironic, cuz he's the one that hurt me the most), but every time I'm with him, everything negative that has happened in the past dissipates. It's completely irrelevant to THAT moment. 

I mean, who's to say that if we were to ever actually try it out, we would make it. The point is that we didn't, and we won't. And now I'm just stuck in the unknown. Limbo. 

So, here I am. 23 and more confused than ever. 

If you've made it through this whole thing, all I can say is thank you for 'listening'. If not, I don't blame you. I don't even think I can go back to the top and edit...so deal. 


The end...ish

3 Comments:

Blogger Just that girl... said...

Dang i had this long ass reply and wasn't logged in a lost her..

A few times in the last little while I have wrote a long ass post about the truths going on and all the what to do's but never had guts to post it..Kudos to you!

23.. ahh good times are coming..

As for your job situation.. Follow your dreams.. if 8-5 aint in them then dont do it.. But being out on your own living all by yourself can be a empowering siutation..

And boys.. well let me tell you I am in no place to be offering advice cause boys and me.. we are like.. haha. If he doesnt see you as the special girl you are.. walk.. he will see it when you are gone..Sometimes we miss great things while settling for what we think we want...

<3 your blog too.. and your comment came at a time when I so needed it..

November 20, 2009 at 10:26 PM  
Blogger Emerson said...

Coming from a guy this may sound a little different, but I went through the exact same kinda thing when I was your age and for just as long. Its sucks I know. It sucks bad! But one day a switch will flick and it will be completely gone. And you have something to look forward to, because as good as his presence makes you feel and whatnot, reciprocated love is so much stronger, and passionate, and you just better.

November 24, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Britters said...

Okay, so I definitely agree with both of the previous commenters. As far as the job thing goes...you know what..don't be ashamed that you're at home, be grateful that you have somewhere to stay for now that allows you to pursue your dreams, because not everyone has that at would be envious of that! Plus, it's not like you're living in the backhouse and are 40 with cats and people come AROUND the house just to play knock knock ditch...then I'd show some empathy to your emotion of having issues with still living at home. Haha. So seriously, just like let grandma fly on your private jet when you get famous to show your gratitude. Haha.

#2! Ugh, the boy. I wish I could take a magic want and just make you forget about him. But, okay, you may read this and be like WTF is she talking about, but stay with me. Although it may not see it now, you are so lucky that you had boy in your life. I know it sucks that his love is not reciprocated, but like Emerson said, once you find that person, you won't even give boy a second though...Boy who? is that you'll say...now here's where that lucky part comes in...and this can go two ways. I have seen so many women who get into those relationship where the love IS reciprocated, but they are mistreated, or are cheated on and they stay with their dude, etc...but hey, at least they are with someone whose feelings are "reciprocated" right? #2, I have also seen women who are with the greatest guy ever, he's nice, he's funny, he treats her like a princess, but she doesn't appreciate him like he deserves to be appreciated. You're luckier than girl in scenario #1 because you KNOW what it's supposed to feel like. You KNOW what you're looking for...so many women never ever get that luxury, and stick with what they know, even if it means forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it. And you're also luckier than the girl in scenario #2 because you know what it feels like to hurt. You know what it feels like to have your heart torn out of your chest run through a paper shredder and sprinkled with lemon juice...so when that Mr. Right comes to you, and does treat you like a princess...you will appreciate him. You truly will be able to reciprocate his love, because you know he is so much better than boy. His love will be so much greater than boy's. And your relationship will be so much richer than it was with boy. And hell, you may even be grateful one day that boy came into your life, because now MAN is getting the best you that you can possibly give to him.

I love you and i hope the rambling made sense/helped...lord knows I am not going to proof read it, so DEAL.

miss you.

November 28, 2009 at 3:05 PM  

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